finding myself everywhere

a (6 months late) reflection on the mirror of cambridge

one day in the early spring, while walking home from getting pesto chicken sandwiches from dave’s fresh pasta, caleb and i passed a sticker on a mailbox that said “the world is a mirror”. we each interpreted it differently, speaking to the statement itself— does it mean that people are more similar than we think? or that we are simply projecting onto everything around us? i am now living in his apartment for the summer, where we’ve spent hours sitting on the couch, reflecting on life, and watching charli music videos. fittingly, it is the end of the first year of my phd (wild!) and i am wondering what the mirror of cambridge has shown me. 

i often simplify this year to “overwhelming in good and bad ways”. at our last lab meeting, my advisor and another friend asked what my reflections of the year are, and i again summarized it to loving the structure (or lack thereof) of phd life but needing more time to get used to boston. the former is very true. i love the freedom that comes with academia, and the space i have to read, research, and reflect. i am surrounded by people who want to critique technology and how it shapes the world we live in. i look around and see how we are constantly making smaller digital worlds of our own: capturing our lives in hastily sent texts to best friends, presenting our work through carefully crafted websites, documenting history in thoughtful all-encompassing archives, performing through casually curated social media posts, & showcasing art in glitchy glittery virtual spaces. even this substack is a tiny world externalizing the world inside my body. these endless worlds help us remember and reimagine ourselves. this past year of reflection and reading has made me realize that my outer and inner worlds are crafted with my life’s purpose of honoring my elders. all of my passions can be traced back to my family and i’m glad i can maintain them here. 

my footnote to this is that i’ve felt distinctly lonely this year as i navigate a new place. i’ve been thinking about a substack by my inspo bookbear express that therese and i discussed, which said “almost everyone who's unhappy is unhappy because they feel isolated.” i hesitated when i read it initially, mostly because i saw too much of myself in the sentiment, but ultimately accepted that all my sadness is social. a true friend can make any place feel home, but now i wonder what is home to me. i miss hearing tagalog roll off my family’s tongues, hugging my sister as we fall asleep, seeing friends who have all the context for my life. i haven’t made art i’m proud of this year because i’m far from what grounds me and my strongest forms of inspiration. when i consider these gaps in my life, i think i miss feeling known, understood, aligned with my surroundings. i am so incredibly lucky to have old & new friends in cambridge who bring me this comfort, but i think that this intangible sense of ambient belonging that i’m looking for will only come with time. it is devastating to live away from all of my social spaces and not have them built into my life, especially considering how terrible i am at texting (i love you all). that same lab friend told me that i have to make the community i miss myself, and i’m just building up the energy to do so. 

not entirely tied to my life here, i am fully sitting in the fact that i am in the mood to fall in love, and i really hope it’s happening. i’m experiencing what feels like the beginning of a sweet love story and thinking that this is how it’s supposed to feel: stable, secure, affirming, easy. practicing small ways to care for each other that make a life: sending daily good morning and good night texts, sharing pictures of the meals we eat, waiting for each other to watch movies we are excited for, introducing each other to our friends. all seemingly simple things that i’ve avoided for years. as this feeling washes over me and seeps into my veins, i remember how people i trust describe love. a friend told me that true love is expansive, an interview i watched described love as tasting good food and immediately thinking of how much someone else would love it too, a post i saw said that a true partner is a witness to your life. in this moment i mostly think that (platonic, romantic) love is bending time and space to allow people to shape you; wanting every moment to last longer, spending time apart revisiting memories together, eternalizing them somehow. all this is to say it’s been less than a week apart and i miss him.

the spring sunshine has made it easy to fall in love with cambridge as well. walking anywhere means being surrounded by green leaves and pastel flowers lining the road, pink cherry blossom petals swirling around me when the breeze picks up. i turned 25 as the spring bloomed, celebrated with a picnic in the sunshine that therese helped me host. as i get older, i crave softness, gentle voices, for life to slow down. i’m no longer fond of the hyperproductive life that led me to a phd program, much less of reproducing those same dynamics. i’m not sure how to navigate this shift but i’m giving myself space to do so. for now, i will crochet and read and wait for the days to pass. 

this little world of cambridge is a growing home and a forgiving mirror. i am grateful for it. i’m finishing writing this now that i’m back in the bay for a month of big family celebrations (jeia’s graduation, kiana’s graduation, my dad’s birthday, my parents’ anniversary), and i’m surprised to miss it. i couldn’t wait to leave and now i can’t wait to be back.

sending lots of love,

ji